Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
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MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
When the stylist spins you back around
They’re the worst 😩
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.