@YSylon

Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job

Willy Wonka:

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@liljonlovitz

[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles

@BKLYNBeeyotch

Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?

My couch:

@MomofTeen

Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”

@UnimpressedWU

It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.

@gosailthesea

rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600

@squirrel74wkgn

I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.

@amydillon

*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*

“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”

@chopper4jk

Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.

@Jandalize

I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.