Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
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Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?