I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
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Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
real
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
Never be a pizza!
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
If you are reading this then you are reading this
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.