I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
You Might Also Like
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
Usage Guidelines
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”