I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
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I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.