In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
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daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
this is uni
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.