I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
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Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
Holy crap this is wonderful
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email