Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
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I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question