Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
You Might Also Like
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️