In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
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You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude