I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
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Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
Bread puns are on the rise!
#oldknees
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”