Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
You Might Also Like
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
Challenge accepted.
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.