Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
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For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
that de-escalated quickly
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?