At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
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Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY