FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
You Might Also Like
When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
Jesus Christ lmao
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
Weirdly Wednesday.
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
Really shocked to hear about the dead worm. I didn’t even know it was sick.
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?