The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
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What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.