The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
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Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
the chicken was already gone when I got here
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now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
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worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
I just got a text from the hospital to confirm my appointment and let me know that they were changing it to a virtual visit.
My appointment is for a colonoscopy.
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.