When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
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11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
I don’t think my car can fly
I feel this so hard
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
A short story about romance.
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.