Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at the gym]

GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.

There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.

There’s also a horrible time.

Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*

I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another

I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.

Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.

Me: THE drawer?

Wife: Yeah.

Great. There go our Oreos.

PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.

OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.

REALIST: A train.

TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.

Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.

When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.

“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.

I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens

Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: pass

Officer: have you been drinking?

Me: pass

Officer: You can’t just keep..

Me: pass

WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!

ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!

[at the general store]

me: one general please

We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.

Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.

Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?

Me: 37

Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!

Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.

Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name

My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.

Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.

Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.

Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.

Noah was an idiot.

Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.

Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?

Witch: No, I’m making La Croix

If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.

[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch

BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.

Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏

Me: You have bruises??

Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.

[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler

You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.