Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
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Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
My neck my back my allergy attack
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
Hell yeah 👍
me: yes, i’m very sexually active and i only drink socially.
doctor: i haven’t asked you anything yet
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner