boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
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Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
road rage
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
Give a baker flours on your first date.
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.