Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
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me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
*limbos under the caution tape
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.