STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
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i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting