Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
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It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
blocked.
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
Called it
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?