If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
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Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!