Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
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Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
WTF
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?