waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
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Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
a public service announcement
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
happy friday
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
Yes, this is exactly right
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container