@ieatanddrink

My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses

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@ericsshadow

I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.

@PaperWash

I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.

@AndyRichter

I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.

@Bob_Janke

Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.

@MiniiG

I fall in love too easily.

Wait..

It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily

@YSylon

Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]

Me: wait—

Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]

Me: wtf

Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE

@Weird_Rash

I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.