My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
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You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.