My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses

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I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.


I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.


I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.


Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.


I fall in love too easily.


It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily


Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]

Me: wait—

Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]

Me: wtf

Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE


I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.