My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
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My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
So we got a goldfish…
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.