30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
You Might Also Like
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.