genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
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I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.