(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
You Might Also Like
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain