πYears
βπ 2022
βπ Good stuff
ββ οΈ This folder is empty
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Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
Iβve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
you donβt scare me. youβre not a can of biscuits iβm about to open.
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
I donβt like to brag, but I donβt need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
I pretend I have a βtax guyβ because Iβm a very busy businessman and not because Iβm an idiot who won’t follow instructions
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
That was easy.
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro