📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
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My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
Penguins walking in 5x speed
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
pictures of spider-man
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry