*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
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From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit