Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
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Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with