*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
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I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
They’re not wrong
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge