I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
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When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore