her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
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Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
Siri, fight Alexa.
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.