as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
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“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
Sing it!
When someone says you are so lazy
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
San Francisco has too many rules