Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
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[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 😌💭
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
me and my fake scenarios
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there