“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
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My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer