This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
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Still my favorite headline of all time:
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*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
My laptop: *memory is low*
Me, in my 40’s: “you and me both, buddy”
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
my friends when i can’t do basic math
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Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
don’t be scared
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