This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
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Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
Living the best life.. 😊
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
#parenting
I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again