they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
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How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.