Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
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my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
Duolingo getting serious.
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
necessity is the mother of invention
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when