DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
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I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.