I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
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The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
Jokes on them. I took 10.
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”