i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
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It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
Them: awwww just let those dishes go, mama! They’ll get done eventually! Spend every second with your babies, it’s so fleeting 🥰
Me, industriously taking notes: Sounds great. What time should I expect the Dish Fairy to arrive
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
The “research” scene in every horror movie
School be like
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.