At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
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I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
Bro what is this
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
just having fun
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite