I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
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My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.