That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
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She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.