she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
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Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
No laws when master is gone
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”